The Married Man's Rules for Collecting & Restoring Player Pianos

Rule 1: Collect only one style of player piano, nothing but mahogany
upright players or all consoles or grands, for example.  When all your
Player pianos are the same shape and finish, it's harder if not
impossible for anyone to figure out how many player pianos you actually
have.

Rule 2: Never line up your player pianos, ever!  Nothing distresses
a difficult spouse more than seeing five old player pianos lined up,
looking for all the world like a pile of burning hundred dollar bills.
Scatter the pianos around: one in the garage, one in the guest room,
another in the living room, one down in the basement, maybe a couple at
a friend's house, so that it is not possible for anyone (if you know
who I mean) to see more than one from any one perspective.  Your hobby
will be less "irritating" that way.

Rule 3: For pretty much the same reason, don't number your player
pianos, give them names.  You'd be surprised how much less trouble
you will have if you talk about "Jimmy" rather than Knabe 70873.
(Obviously you'll want to avoid names like "Barbara").

Rule 4: Early in your collecting, buy a player piano you don't want.
Then sell it as quickly as you can.  Don't worry about making any money
on the transaction, the main thing is to buy the piano and get rid of
it.  Then you can say, "Yes, my sweet, I do have six player pianos in
the garage while our car is out in the weather.  That doesn't mean
I will always have six player pianos.  Remember the one I got rid of?
I'm thinking of selling another one any day now, so we can put our car
in the garage."  If you have a friend who collects player pianos make
arrangements for him to drop off a piano now and again.  That way you
can say, if anyone asks, that you bought it.  Then have him haul it off
again and say you sold it.  With this system you establish your
reputation for moderation.

Rule 5: Pay for your player pianos with cashier's checks, money orders,
or cash which leaves far less evidence than checks drawn on the family
account.  Once you have gotten possession of another player piano and
paid for it, eat the stubs, carbons or receipts immediately.  These
have a way of becoming an embarrassment later.

Rule 6: Now and then buy a wreck for 'parts' even if you don't need the
parts.  In fact, you might consider hauling a wreck or two in the same
van or truck, whenever you haul home a good player piano.  This is
called 'liability averaging'.  If your significant other says something
about having enough money for yet another player piano, but not enough
for a new refrigerator, point indignantly to the pianos in the truck --
the beautiful Baldwin with the Welte in it, solid and in playing
condition for which you paid $1,500, and the dirty hulks you got for
$200 each.  Then huff, "Snookums, I got those for little more than $600
each and the one in the back is easily worth $5,000.  That's a tidy
profit of $3,200."  See?  Doesn't that make you sound like an investment
wizard?

Rule 7: When things get critical: consider dragging home a player piano
without the player system in it.  If there's a complaint you say,
"Player piano?  What player piano? That's not a player piano!  That's
only case and action, not even close to a player piano."  Then a couple
of weeks later bring home a bellows system, rotary pump, and bench.
"Player piano?  What player piano?  That's no player piano, that's only
parts, not even close to a player piano!"  However, don't try this more
than once every couple of years.

Rule 8: Have a dealer or friend call when you're not at home and tell
your spouse, "Bob told me to keep an eye on the Autopiano going at the
auction on Saturday but it sold for $5,000, and I know there's no way
a financially cautious and responsible guy like Bob would pay that much,
so I didn't even bid on it for him."  Not only will this make you look
really good, but the next time you buy a player piano you can say
something like, "Luvi-bear, this beauty only cost me $3,000, which
means we are $2,000 ahead of where we'd have been, if I'd have gotten
the one before.  If I keep saving money like this, we'll be able to
afford to go on that Caribbean cruise next winter."  If you say it fast
enough, it might just work.

Rule 9: If your mate insults your collection, laugh a lighthearted
laugh, making it clear that player pianos are _not_ to you what shoes
were to Imelda Marcos.

Rule 10: If your situation worsens to the point where your mate asks,
"Who do you love more, me or your player pianos," whatever you do,
don't pause to think it over.

D.L. Bullock    St. Louis
www.thepianoworld.com